Eye Contact and Loss

Updated: Sep 12, 2020

When experiencing loss we grow a deeper connection with humanity & emotions. The “windows to our souls” are left open, thirsty for reasons. Everyone contends with loss.

Many people are aware of the stages of grief (Kubler-Ross, MD, 2014). We understand that people get depressed. Our emotions get pushed down lower than is comfortable, or usual for that person. Often that leads to bargaining which is like being frantic inward, while looking for solutions as if we had control. What we get angry at is sometimes inexplicable. We can speak our storylines to people in hopes that our moments of pain make sense to them.

We need understanding. It is difficult to make sense of loss. Our need for bereavement is understood. Whether your loss was sudden or expected grief is laden with so many variables. How have we connected with the individual: in general, and as of late? Have we any lasting issues of contention? Regret is contentious companion for healing. Do preface work to avoid its confusion (i.e. extending yourself in your unique way(s), writing your own will, reading a book about loss). I read Always Daddy’s Girl by H. Norman Wright before losing my dad, and it prepared me .

To connect, can be like a butterfly in a tree: Refreshing, we just plain loved and appreciated the decorated life to life. Maybe we knew that we were needed just because. It is healing to know someone is experiencing the same heartache, similar difficulty or related hardship. It is a gift to feel related to. Building these connections tell us our new emotions or revisited emotions are difficult, but okay…

After all, our emotion-repertoire is much more tattered than we anticipate. Life wears down what we were at the beginning. Which is almost the best justification for the loss of this person. They were done expending the best aspects of themselves. Like the book, The Giving Tree (1964).

Without connecting, we turn too far inward. We roam around our own soul looking for the missing piece of the puzzle we can’t fill. We frighten our old emotions with these new dominating emotions.

We should at least name our feelings, and know what they are called (i.e. forlorn, glum, gloomy, dismay, misery). Call it was it is. Putting our feelings or depictions out there, help heal.

I didn’t really speak of eye contact like the title indicated, but the person’s (or animal’s) eye connection is no longer accessible. But if their eyes really are the windows to the soul, then the soul is what was enhanced when we spoke to one another.

May my dad rest in peace. I added to him before he was taken away. And what he added to me will last a lifetime more.


Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. (2014). On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy & their Own Families. Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Norman Wright. (1987). Always Daddy's Girl. Regal Books.

Silverstein, Shel. (1964). The Giving Tree. HarperCollins Publishers.

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